Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A lot of nothing

As I close my eyes, I feel a pain in my stomach. It's burning as if a lighter was on in my stomach. I can't do anything but lay in bed, with my eyes closed, wishing to sleep. When sleep finally overcomes me, so do my nightmares, but I can't wake from them until they are finished, and I never remember them. All I know now is that I am scared to sleep, to dream. But life here isn't fun, so I just lay in bed, imagining a better life I could live, with better people in it. The days pass, not slow but not fast, they just pass.
If I could dream, it would be about him. About what I wish we were, even though we just met. I'd dream that he'd come with me to different countries, he'd help me find myself as I would him. I'd dream of him for I know he could never be with me. We are too different, I am too different.
But sometimes there's a reason to why dreams can only stay dreams, and for my own sake, I don't want to know. I'd rather think the best about someone than to find out the worst about them, especially if that someone is one of my friends, or even worse, relative.
People say that I act like a baby 50% of the time, and the other half like the strongest person they know. Others that don't know what I go through say I only act like a baby. I know I do, but that's just because sometimes I just need to take a break, and let someone else take care of me. Sometimes I wish I was still a baby, to have someone take care of me sounds a lot easier than to have to do all the work. I don't know if living as an adult will be much fun. Work sounds horrible, and devoting my life to a child that will probably end up hating me, or at least saying they hate me, doesn't sound fun. But people say it is worth it, so I guess I have to find out for myself.
I might dedicate my life to helping people, or at least I want to, but I don't know how. I wonder if anybody does, if heroes actually plan out what they have to do, or what they want to do, or if they just do it. I wish I knew. I wish there were cheats in life like there are in games. To be able to have all the money and happiness and look healthy and fit will eating what ever, and not doing a lot of work would be amazing. But then again, if there were cheats, I wouldn't want to know them. How can someone be happy not doing anything? But maybe I'd want to know the cheat to be happy, and how to make others happy.
October 11th was my birthday, and every wish I made was about him. I feel selfish, while innocent people die, people get bullied, and people hurt, all I wished for was him to like me. But will he ever find out? No. I plan on leaving here, this lifeless place, as soon as I graduate. I'll keep my feelings closed from him, I'm used to liking guys from afar. Anyway, I'd rather have a friend, or so I tell myself. Some day he'll find out, if he doesn't already know. But pretending is what life is about, pretending to think you won't die, pretending to not know someone likes you, pretending that you'll see eachother once you've passed. Maybe humans should have been called pretenders, maybe that is what the word human meant a long time ago. But we all will find out one day. We always do.

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