2014

This year started horribly. I was in a car accident at 5 o'clock in the morning because my friend was driving me home from a party where my sister's best friend tried to take my virginity. I was drunk, but thankfully my friend wasn't. The sad part is that the people who ran into us were trying to say that I was the one driving, even though I don't have a drivers license AND I was drunk. They also say that we ran a red light, even though they are the ones who ran the red light. It really upsets me when someone accuses me of doing something I didn't do. Anyway, it took me a while to willingly get in a car after that. For about a week I couldn't smile and everything just seemed sad, confusing, and terrifying. Once I started smiling again, I got cramps that were so bad that I puked three times all in one hour. Then, as soon as the pain was gone and I finally felt good, I caught a horrible cold. I had a sore throat, runny and stuffed nose, and a cough. The sore throat only lasted three days, but my runny nose lasted about a week. I am now feeling better mentally and physically. But who am I to think I can feel better without something bad happening!? Just a couple hours ago my sister ordered a pizza and it took over an hour to get delivered, and I still had to pay. As my sister and I sat down to watch a movie, we each grabbed a slice and out of nowhere we hear a sound as if it was pouring rain outside. Thankfully my sister went to check it out and found the noise was coming from our basement, her bedroom, and saw a whole bunch of water leaking from the ceiling. She came running up screaming "THERE'S WATER  COMING FROM THE ROOF!" So I ran up to the second level of the house to tell my mom exactly that. Sadly, it was leaking on my sisters desk where her PC was. They were both kind of shocked, my sister didn't know what to do, she could barely move she was so shocked, and my mom wouldn't do anything but tell her what to do. It was like they were frozen in place. So instead of just standing there I decided to run to get a bucket or two, and then I heard my mom saying we had to get the books and computer out of there, so I started grabbing the one thing I found more important, my sisters art work. Then my mom turned the water off, and well I have to go to work tomorrow morning, and none of my work clothes are clean, and I have no water to clean my clothes or myself. So, all in all, I've had a bad start to this year.

Dear Anonymous,

 http://new-world-order-plan.org/ Who is "Anonymous"? Who are they made up of? What are their views on life, on womans rights? Why do they do what they do? Should people be scared of them, or feel safe around them? When do we even know we are around them? Are they real, or is it just what the government wants us to believe? Will we ever really know?
The only reason I ask is because since they are hackers, pro hackers, the best hackers and I don't know what else, they can hack my life and finally tell me who I am. I mean, if they can get info and some guy who doesn't want them to, they can do it on me, too. It's not like I don't know what my name is or where I live or what ever, I know those things. But when someone asks me what my favorite food is, my favorite place, I can't answer them. I wish I could meet with the person who started anonymous, ask them how and why and when and where, all those questions. Ask them what their goal is, if it's to help people or the government or both. Ask them how they got to where they are, how they found themselves. Maybe if I asked them to tell me who I am, just maybe, they would be able to.
I feel as if I should change this blogs name to "My Dreams/Wishes" for it seems to only contain that.

A lot of nothing

As I close my eyes, I feel a pain in my stomach. It's burning as if a lighter was on in my stomach. I can't do anything but lay in bed, with my eyes closed, wishing to sleep. When sleep finally overcomes me, so do my nightmares, but I can't wake from them until they are finished, and I never remember them. All I know now is that I am scared to sleep, to dream. But life here isn't fun, so I just lay in bed, imagining a better life I could live, with better people in it. The days pass, not slow but not fast, they just pass.
If I could dream, it would be about him. About what I wish we were, even though we just met. I'd dream that he'd come with me to different countries, he'd help me find myself as I would him. I'd dream of him for I know he could never be with me. We are too different, I am too different.
But sometimes there's a reason to why dreams can only stay dreams, and for my own sake, I don't want to know. I'd rather think the best about someone than to find out the worst about them, especially if that someone is one of my friends, or even worse, relative.
People say that I act like a baby 50% of the time, and the other half like the strongest person they know. Others that don't know what I go through say I only act like a baby. I know I do, but that's just because sometimes I just need to take a break, and let someone else take care of me. Sometimes I wish I was still a baby, to have someone take care of me sounds a lot easier than to have to do all the work. I don't know if living as an adult will be much fun. Work sounds horrible, and devoting my life to a child that will probably end up hating me, or at least saying they hate me, doesn't sound fun. But people say it is worth it, so I guess I have to find out for myself.
I might dedicate my life to helping people, or at least I want to, but I don't know how. I wonder if anybody does, if heroes actually plan out what they have to do, or what they want to do, or if they just do it. I wish I knew. I wish there were cheats in life like there are in games. To be able to have all the money and happiness and look healthy and fit will eating what ever, and not doing a lot of work would be amazing. But then again, if there were cheats, I wouldn't want to know them. How can someone be happy not doing anything? But maybe I'd want to know the cheat to be happy, and how to make others happy.
October 11th was my birthday, and every wish I made was about him. I feel selfish, while innocent people die, people get bullied, and people hurt, all I wished for was him to like me. But will he ever find out? No. I plan on leaving here, this lifeless place, as soon as I graduate. I'll keep my feelings closed from him, I'm used to liking guys from afar. Anyway, I'd rather have a friend, or so I tell myself. Some day he'll find out, if he doesn't already know. But pretending is what life is about, pretending to think you won't die, pretending to not know someone likes you, pretending that you'll see eachother once you've passed. Maybe humans should have been called pretenders, maybe that is what the word human meant a long time ago. But we all will find out one day. We always do.

My name should be Mover.

In Virginia, there is nothing to do. It's a place where nothing happens, good or bad, happy or sad, exciting or boring. It's different than in Vancouver, very different. The people aren't the same, they are more reserved here, they care too much about themselves and aren't open to as much as people were in Vancouver. Not all of them are like that, but a lot of them are.
I find myself alone here a lot, as if I was sitting in the middle of a crowd who spoke a different language than me. Time passes, not quick, not slow, it just passes. I am finally a senior but I feel as if I should be in first grade again. I lost my ability to write, to excite, to do anything but be. I feel as if the only thing I do is homework, but I still get what they call here bad grades, C's and B's. Personally I am proud of myself for not failing, but I can't stay proud for long with people saying I need to do better.
I haven't written here for so long, mostly because I forgot I even had a blog. Writting and reading is like therapy for me, though right now I just need help getting out of here. Which brings me to my topic, changing my name ot Mover. I won't actually do it, but it's a thought I like to think. I love moving, mostly because I am in search of something. Of a place where I can call home, a place where I can be comfortable and feel not normal, but how I usually feel. Do I even know who I usually feel? No, but I tell myself that moving will help me figure it out. Maybe it will take me my entire life to find the one place that I can call home, but I know I won't stop searching until I found it. I mean, who wants to be burried or die or be burned or what ever in a place that they don't like? Not me.
I miss hugging the most. In vancouver, my friends and I hugged to say hello, goodbye, and anything and everything in between. Like, after saying a joke about one of my friends, I would then hug them. And they would do the same. Hugs were like breathing. Living like that, and then being switched to barely any hugs is a big change, and I like hugging more than anything.
I wish to be a great writter, so I can entertain myself, and who ever reads this, too. I'll try to stop neglecting this blog...I mean, practice makes perfect, am I right?

Winter

I don't know where I am. Nothing looks familiar, not the people surrounding me, not the park I am in, not even the air I am breathing. Why is it so dark? Where am I? I can see their mouths moving, but I can barely hear what they are saying. I feel as if they are getting further and further away...I am too tired to keep my eyes open, so I just fall back asleep. Now, I'm in a forest. I'm not running, I'm not scared, I'm surrounded by trees that look as if they can reach the sky. Their smell fills the air, and I can't help but smile. I am walking, I don't know where. Then, I start hearing water running, and before I know it, my feet step into a nice and cool stream. The water feels so gentle against my feet, and it washes away the dirt from the forest. The stream is very clean, so I end up washing my face with it, and drinking it. It taste as good as it feels. Then, I hear something, no, someone! At first, I'm alarmed, but then I see that it is my sister. She's laughing with my mom. They are just further down the stream, I call their names, and start walking down. But they stopped laughing, they even stopped smiling, and they were staring at me wide eyed. I call their names again, and tell them it's me, but they can't seem to recognize me. 
The stream turned into blood, and the beautiful lushes trees turn into evil beings. The air felt as if it is toxic, burning my lungs. Then, I heard it. A high pitched scream only my sister could make. I look up from the blood my feet are in and realize I stopped running, but I also realized I was right in front of them. Their bodies...blood gushing out of then like they were a never ending fountain. I heard a scream again, but realized it was me. My legs couldn't hold me up anymore, and I fell to the ground beside them. I was holding them both in my arms, crying and sobbing. Who could have done this? They were the nicest people in the world. My mom was only 42, my sister 18...She was two years older than me, and had her whole life in front of her. She wanted to be a doctor. But she was gone now, and I was left alone. I closed my eyes real hard, and when I opened them again, I was on a comfortable bed. 
I had been dreaming, I was glad to be home, in my warm bed, with my family alive. I started to pull the covers off me so that I could go downstairs when I felt something in my arm...I had tubs, a lot of them, going not only in both of my arms, but in my chest, too. It hurt to move, and it hurt even to breathe. Someone came in, a girl, she had black short curly hair, and was wearing a green uniform. She had a worried look on her face. When she was right beside me, I realized she'd been trying to talk, but my screaming made me not be able to hear her. Then I felt a pinch in my arm, and went back to the same nightmare. This time, when I awoke, instead of screaming, I was crying. I just wanted to see my mom and sister. The lady came back, and this time, I looked at her hand, and there was a needle. I was sure she was going to use it on me, why else would she bring it in? So I was about to try to take the tubes out of me, and then run away, but I realized I was strapped to the bed. She told me her name, Solstice.
"Oh, it's okay, everything's going to be alright...here, this will help, trust me.." Her voice sounded like an angels, sweet and full of care, but there was a hint of sadness and worry in her eyes. 
I was about to tell her no, I started shaking my head, but my sobs wouldn't let me talk,  and by the time they stopped, I had fallen asleep, back to the dream I feared the most. This time, when I woke up, I wasn't screaming or crying. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. I was still attached to my bed, but I was able to lift my head up. The walls were a peach-yellow that somehow reminded me of the sunrise. There was a window in front of my bed, a very big one, that showed a hallway and people with the same green uniform. The glass was thick, I could tell from just looking at it...The door had a gold door knob, and the door itself looked like it was made of wood. At the corner beside the door and the window, there was a little TV. I looked at both sides of my bed, and found a nightstand on my left. There was a lamp, a phone, a book called Breathless, and a remote, which I guessed was for the TV. I heard the door open and somehow jumped even though I was strapped down. This time, Solstice didn't have a needle with her.
"It's just me, Morana." She had the same look of sadness and worry in her deep blue eyes, but her voice sounded as if nothing was wrong, like we were old time friends. 
She must have been about the same age as my sister. Her eyes were shiny green, but not shiny caused by tears or light or anything. They just looked shiny, and fragile.
"What's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need me to get anoth..." I knew exactly what she was going to say, and I knew what my answer was.
"No!" I knew I sounded too uptight and confused, but I just didn't want to even think about sleeping. My voice sounded like a strangers, too, like if it was too rusty and hoarse.
"I mean, no thank you. I'm fine, really. But I do have a question.." I knew I hadn't won her over on me not needing to sleep some more, so I had to make conversation to show her I was alright.
"What is it?"
"You told me your name is Solstice...but I never told you mine...so how do you know it?" I don't know if I was making the right type of conversation, but I couldn't stop myself.
"I work here, I'm a nurse, and you're in a hospital. You'll be fine though." She ended with a smile, I don't know why but it made me feel happy up until I realized what she said.
"Wait, I'm in a hospital? Why?" I know it was a stupid question, I mean, I knew I was in here for a reason, because people don't usually have IV lines everywhere, and they aren't usually hooked up to a monitor. And, usually, people could breathe without their chest burning. I started to have a coughing fit, and I guess Solstice didn't want to answer me or something, and she left the room in a hurry. I hadn't stopped coughing when she came back in, but she was trying to soothe me, telling me everything was going to be alright. Then, I felt a pinch again. This time, the dream was different. I was in a field of daisies, and not just small ones that are almost everywhere. These daisies were the big ones that you saw in forests and such. I was wearing a beautiful yellow dress, and started running and spinning in the field. Then, I stopped because I started feeling dizzy, and when I looked around me, there was my mom and sister. They were each holding one hand out to me, and with the other holding each others hand. I reached out and as soon as I touched their hands, we started spinning. It wasn't a fun and laughing spin like I had been doing myself, it was a scary spin. They were both screaming, and looking everywhere but each other. It was like they weren't seeing the beautiful field I was. Their hands started to hurt mine, and I tried pulling away, but they wouldn't let go. I woke up and practically stood up, scared out of my mind. I found Solstice on the side of my bed, holding my hand, but not like my mom and sister were doing. She was gentle, and barely put any pressure on it.
"Are you okay, Morana? I heard you screaming from down the hall..." She sounded like an angel again, calm, yet caring.
"Yeah, it was just a bad dream..." She let go of my hand and got up off my bed and started to walk towards the door.
"Wait, Solstice..where's my mom and sister?" 
She had stopped at the door, hand on the door knob. She turned around, and came to my bed, with so much sadness and worry in her eyes, more than the first time I saw her.
"You remember them.." It wasn't a question, it was more of a comment, but I couldn't help but nod and ask again, this time I sounded more worried.
"Where is my mom and sister?" 
"You should go to sleep, you need to get better. Do your lungs still hurt? It sounds like it...Just rest for now, and then we will talk about them."
I was kind of mad that she wasn't telling me, and I was worried, but I couldn't help but fall asleep, into a scary and deja-vu dream. But this time, no one woke me up. After I tried pulling away, they stared at me, with sadness and grief. They were scared, their eyes wide, staring at me. They fell to the ground, and I realized they were bleeding. They were dieing. I took them both in my arms, crying, telling them it will be alright, yelling help, trying to yell loud enough for someone to hear. But then, they were gone. All I could do was cry. My tears replaced the blood, and then, all black. Like I had fallen asleep in my dream, and I was dreaming and thinking of nothing. Nothing.
When I did wake up, I felt very good. I realized I was on my side, which meant I wasn't strapped on the bed anymore. I sat up on the bed that I now called my own, and saw I had drooled on my pillow. Great. I hadn't noticed the first time I checked my room out that there were windows that showed outside, not just a hallway. The shutters are yellow, and match the wall, so I could see how I didn't see it. I breathed in a big gulp of air, and found that there was no burning, anywhere. I moved all of my limbs, seeing if I was hurting or even sore, and to my surprise, I felt like I could run a marathon. I got up and went to the windows, and opened the shutters. It had snowed, a lot. The window had frost on it, maybe even ice. The sidewalks and roads were covered in snow, and so was the roof top of every building and parked car. There weren't that many people driving or walking outside, and I couldn't tell if that was strange or normal. The sun was out, and it was a clear blue sky. It was a perfect winter day.
"Well you look healthy today!" Solstice made me jump, and I almost fell. She was in arms reach, so she steadied me on my feet so I could regain my  balance.
"Sorry, I thought you heard me come in.." She looked like a puppy that had just gotten in trouble.
"Oh it's okay, I was just looking outside. It feels like I have been asleep for months! I had forgotten it was snowing out." We were both giggling until the door opened again. this time, I didn't jump. 
"Hello Morana, I am Dr. Anderson, nice to finally meet you while you're conscious!" He was smiling and shaking my hand. I think he noticed I was very confused and I had no idea what to say, so he went on. "You are looking very healthy, which is a very good thing. You have recovered your health in such a short time, I've never seen anything like it! Do you remember anything?"
I knew he didn't mean if I remembered my dreams, so I thought back to the last memory I had before dreaming. 
"Well, I remember I had gymnastics, then my mom came to pick me up with my sister. It was Bowling day and we had planned to go eat and do some bowling at the arena but I had twisted my ankle in gymnastics, so we had to go home. I asked if we could go to Dairy Queens for my favorite "flavor of the month" Brownie batter, and easily convinced them to go. We went to DQ, but I don't remember what happened after that..." I was trying very hard to focus, but my head really started to hurt and I felt dizzy all of a sudden.
"Maybe you should rest some more...here go back to your bed, we can talk another time." I definitely wanted to sit down, but I didn't have any more patience, I wanted to see my family.
"No I'm fine, it's just a little head ache. What happened, Dr.?"
All of the happiness that shown in his face had vanished, and was replaced with sorrow and pain. I wondered if he was going to be okay, and was about to ask, but then he started talking.
"Listen, this might be a little hard for you to grasp, but you were in an accident. On your way back home, the roads were very icy, and it seems as if your car slid and flipped down a forest. You all had your seat belts on, which was very good of you!" He made his mouth smile, but it wasn't a happy one."But...Your mom and sister were hurt worse than you. They are in the ICU with the best of our doctors right now, and their conditions aren't changing. But that can be a good thing, because it means they aren't getting worse. We don't know how it is possible that your car slid, I mean, you did have winter tires on, and they are supposed to have the best grip any wheels can give. But, I guess things happen...I am very sorry."
I couldn't handle all that. It felt like the room was spinning, and I tried to tell them that I was going to puke, but they were too late..I don't remember eating, so I don't know how puke came out, but it did. And to top things off, I fainted.

People.

Teenagers, they need help. There's no other way to say it. I don't understand how a teenager can live on without help. Luckily, there are a lot of different ways we help each other...through the internet, at school, even in public places. A smile can go a long way, and being nice can make a persons day change from horrible to great. But teenagers, once they get help, once they get that smile, they can move on and be happy. Some adults can, too. See, there was this thing two of my friends and I did a long time ago...We called it the "I like" game. We would tell people that walked by what we liked about them, like, maybe, their coat or their shoes or something. One time, there was this beautiful lady (I'm no lesbian but I can tell when a woman is beautiful or not) wearing these gorgeous earrings...they looked so shiny and bright, I'm sure they were real gold. I told her Oh-my-goodness! I love your earrings! then both of my friends did the same thing...we were practically gawking at her earrings, when she stopped, turned around with an amazing smile that could light up a city that was in a blackout, and was thanking us and shaking but mostly holding our hands. She looked like she was so happy she could cry, which made me feel good inside. She was the nicest stranger I've ever met, and I've met a great load of nice strangers. You could tell in her eyes that we had touched her deeply, which I don't even know how. To be honest, she reminded me of a Goddess. And for teenagers, you can help them because they look for help, and admit they need it, like on yahoo answers, a lot of kids talk about feeling depressed and such, and just one answer makes them feel better. But some adults are just mean, and they don't want to change. I mean, I've talked to a lot of adult, especially online, like facebook or IMBD or something like that, and they can be so mean sometimes...Like there was one who was saying he hated doing nice things for people because some people didn't say thank you to him, and that made him want to bash the peoples heads in walls. It was like, seriously, guy, just because some people don't say thanks, it doesn't mean they deserved to be hurt. And once an adult decides to believe something, and a teenager tells them they are wrong, they freak out. Like, once, I tried to show someone that just because 9/11 happened, it doesn't mean they have to be scared of all Muslim people...Guess what they did! They freaked out! It's like, seriously, I know 9/11 was really bad, and I hope that it never happens again and stuff, but I don't despise Muslims because of it, because it wasn't all of them who decided, oh we should kill loads of people today. It was only one group, and just because that group was made of Muslims, it doesn't mean that every Muslim person out there wanted that to happen. But I guess to know what a really nice person is, you have to know what a really mean person is. I just hope nice people outweigh mean ones.

One year and counting.

It's been almost a year since my dog Wisdom died. She'd be 3. At 3 o'clock, it will be exactly one year. R.I.P. Wisdom, you were, and still are, greatly loved.